Lanvin holds on.
“There is a pain and innocence about him.”
“Yes.”
“No, listen. There is this terribleness about him, wretchedness. It is like he is eating away at himself even though he can destroy me with his words.”
“Sounds sort of promising.”
“The gifts I give he appears to analysis like on a conveyor belt at the airport not sure how to accept. I know it is a self destruction when gifts—given, and received, are hard to digest.”
“More scars than this filet.”
“Mine are healing because I know where they come from now. I can look at him, and see, that he is open to the subjugation that I once was.
“They should name this place Macabre.”
“No, listen, I say all of this because he slips up and shows an innocence I didn’t know was possible. The innocence seems out of body. It is such an innocence that is like an echo that I can hear in myself and others at times. It is like a truth. That innocence is what I hold onto.”
William’s suit gets rumpled.
“I defend people who seem to be working on their own prosecution, a case that requires longstanding punishment.”
“Mainly with a rumpled suit.”
“I can see why. I just feel them as magnets drawing all this shit towards themselves. It’s like I am watching myself stand in this river as dregs curve around me towards them. I stand there hammering out statements on their behalf, all while mentally they are losing.”
“Is this your excuse for the loss?”
“I’m saying its read as a loss as clients might scream at me later if they’ve finished the day in handcuffs. But they’ve lost long before this. They are trying to lose. They are punishing themselves for something, and it’s their mind that makes it happen.”
“Sounds depressing.”
“I can say the same for my mother who mainly calls to tell me all the people dying in her life. Almost like she’s burning down the forest in her radius and calling to tell me how sad it is that she has no trees to catch shade from.”
“Your making me sad.”
“No I’m not doing anything.”
Anthony is lost in control
“I used use sex to control her.”
“Ok.”
“You are ready not listening.
“I am.”
“I was so desperate to be seen, and I felt like if a woman was ensnared in something physically, initially my chances were good that they would have to be a bit arrested.”
“For what?”
“More of a commitment.”
“Marriage?”
“No. Again I was so desperate to be seen, for whatever that means. It is like I am always feeling around looking for something substantial. The control was me thinking that she needed to be kidnapped through sex to.. ”
“Ransom?”
“Essentially myself. I figured it was going to happen through something vulnerable like that and she would have no choice, or anyone during that period anyway.”
“Ok.”
“I would get some sort of commitment out of it that was different and more satisfying than what is talked about or presented.”
“Sex is a hostage situation for you?”
“I’m valuable, the other person is valuable. I need commitment to that value. There has to be some suspicion.”
“Yeah ok.”
“You’re lost.”
“I am.
“Don’t worry I am too.”
1/9/24
Slowie wants to trade in her loneliness
“He was never lacerated, because he was holding out for something better. But I left him behind because he just happened to enter my life when my body was at its best.”
“He’s right here eating this dry toast.”
“He saw me all the way to my goddamn creamy center, and wanted me. I wasn’t ready for that galactic stability. I was muscles and tendons stitched with fear and guilt. But I thought he was beguiling and everything all at once.”
“Full of guile.”
“My gross problem other than Barneys at the time was that my body was resplendent, and I became its first victim using it like a knife to carve up men. Drop them to rubble all while leaving my intimacy in my purse out in the living. room.”
“I know. My gashes have never healed, and you always carried a purse the size of a tire.”
“Your revenge is to see me now, as age tries to force its way in and put her fucking feet on my coffee table.”
“No. I’m a dude, whose victim to the past images in my head not the emotion.”
“Regardless I was held captive by it.”
“You’re living high cotton, though. That is its own erasure.”
“I would sale all of this shit—mainly loneliness for Mr. Beguiling. Who wanted to see me without the knife. Didn’t give a shit about it and was trying to give me everything else.
Lanvin can still have peace
“I don’t want my fucking peace to make somebody else feel uncomfortable.”
“Ok.”
“Listen.”
“I am.”
“I don’t want to join you.”
“You mean now?”
“I don’t want to have to join you in something mundane that is upsetting you. I stumbled there. I’ve stumbled to this place where peace has become a prerequisite.”
“Tryin to understand.”
“Do you?”
“Something about not feigning outrage for my troubles.”
“Will that make you uncomfortable? Can you still do it?”
“Yes.”
William wants to call off the dogs
“I don’t think it is that I love people I think love is available for those who love themselves.”
“Dude, not this early.”
“But, you understand though right?”
“Not sure I’m tryin’.”
I’m just saying we are always looking for love or trying to be in love, or trying to have someone love us. But that’s just doin that shit wrong.”
“Eating waffles brings upon wisdom.”
“They do. If I’m it and she’s it. Then our only problem is recognition.”
“Call off the dogs.”
“All that searching and it was home all along.”